Sometimes

Sometimes people tell you you’re the happiest person they know and

Sometimes you just wonder how you fake it so well and

Sometimes when people ask you how you’re doing your automatic answer is “Great!!” but

Sometimes you remember that you’re not and you change and say

“Scott died a few months ago.” And nobody knows what to say

Sometimes. Because it’s awkward.

Sometimes, after he’s dead, you put up pictures of your youthful selves so you can see all that happiness reflected

Sometimes you listen to so much sad music that Spotify suggests “sad hour”

Sometimes your kid notices, but maybe you say that

Sometimes it’s happy music and

Sometimes she might say that you’re not listening for a happy reason.

Fair enough, because

Sometimes you only want to listen to music that reminds you of him.

Sometimes you only want to watch shows you watched together, or shows he would have loved.

Sometimes you feel like it’ll never be okay to be really happy

Sometimes, people tell you it’s your fault he died, and Sometimes you wonder if you should have done things differently. If you say yes, does that mean they are right? And if you say no, does that mean you’re a monster? I think about that

Sometimes.

Sometimes, people refuse to give your kid any of her dad’s ashes, even though it’s the only thing she wants. Even though you know that if he knew (he knows, right? He knows? You hope he knows) that

Sometimes she thinks of him? It’d ease so many of his burdens. Because

Sometimes when you fuck up so badly that your kid doesn’t want to see you, that same kid is

Sometimes all you have to live for. And if they don’t want to see you, who can live with that?

Sometimes, one of your students asks if you're married and you say no and they ask if you’re divorced and you say yes and they say they could tell because usually if you’re married you talk more about that person and

Sometimes you decide you will not wreck that child by telling them that yes, you were married before but you divorced because they started using drugs again, and if that hadn’t happened, who knows, because they’re dead now. But

Sometimes you choose not to do that.

Sometimes you make your kid go to therapy even though she doesn’t want to and she gets so mad at you every week because of it, but how can you not, because

Sometimes you’re only one person, and the only parent and

Sometimes, two years after asking the District to help collect child support, they contact you and

Sometimes you have to call them and tell them that he died, and for some reason that

Sometimes means you get a week’s worth of emails addressed to all of you, including him, even though

Sometimes, one of you is clearly dead.

Sometimes.

Sometimes you live a whole life of addiction and

Sometimes you only get a few years of sobriety before you die.

Sometimes, you stumble upon a person who,

Sometimes, brings out the absolute bravest person you can be, and if you’re lucky, you can do that for them

Sometimes the best person who can capture your love for each other in photos is your daughter, because

Sometimes when you look at her through the camera, all you see is her behind the lens

Sometimes, you get to keep her and she is the most amazing gift (even though that’s not her job) and

Sometimes she thinks you’re capable and possible and

Sometimes it’s magic that she thinks you’re enough